This morning I have the feeling of frustration and I don’t know why! To establish that it was frustration I was feeling I checked the dictionary definition and it said – ‘the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals’. That is definitely the emotion I have today.
I have always found it strange, why, for no apparent reason you wake up with a different emotion than the one you went to bed with. My weekend was quite relaxed. We all went to football (although that was frustrating!!) then we went to dinner with friends, which was great. We also had a relaxing day yesterday, so why on a bright sunny day do I feel this way?
I can see that the key to this is in the definition above. I am being thwarted in achieving my goals. When I was first diagnosed, I had a very successful career and I was working towards retiring early. That can’t happen now. Due to my health issues, I am unable to be as reliable as I would like, and this stops me taking on certain projects. Also with my new treatment, I seem to be constantly tired, which is slowly eroding my enthusiasm for things, and means that I am not able to do the volume of things that I could before.
Independence was one of my main characteristics and it is difficult to be that anymore, as I even need help with putting on some of my clothes. I need the support of everyone around me. To enable me to make even some of the most simple plans, I need the help of someone else. This sort of life was totally alien to me, and to keep asking for help is a killer for me. I know from my experience of working with people affected by cancer that this is one of the biggest problems they face, and I can certainly understand it.
I am the type of person that needs to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, but I am finding it increasingly more difficult to physically find the energy, as the treatment is so tiring. By the time I have reached a reasonable level of energy, it is time for the next one. Also, my limbs feel constantly tired and even when I am asleep my body is trying to repair itself. To add to that, I have to travel into London to have the treatment so it is a double whammy!
There are so many more things I can contribute to and achieve, but I do have a concern that I will never be able to reach my full potential. Waiting for things to happen, is just not me. I am the man that makes things happen But I am struggling to find the mental energy at the moment. These are some of the factors that are giving me my frustration, but I am also aware that this can be a negative emotion for me, so I am trying to fight it, but that uses energy and here we go again!!
I have received many positive comments, re this blog, through Facebook, email etc. Please feel free to leave some on the blog, as others enjoy reading them too. You can comment at the bottom of an individual post or people have started leaving general comments in the News column, which is fine. TU, Chris