I explained on yesterdays post, how much I enjoyed my work with the group. I am already looking forward to tomorrow when I will be seeing my colleagues at Macmillan.Then the following day I am attending a Macmillan Council meeting, which will be an opportunity to talk to the Board about some of the work we are involved with.
Although I am feeling very tired, I am having one of those days, where I long to go to work! I am sure that a lot of you reading this might think I must also need mental help as well. I am busy today with a lot of paperwork and phone calls to do. In between, people pop in and want to chat, so it is not that I need more to do. In fact my days are very full, and I don’t even watch any day time tv.
Since having to spend so long at home, I am noticing patterns of behaviour. The same cars coming and going at the same time every day. The same people walking to the station. The same dog walkers. Even the same people putting out their recycling at the same time each week!! How sad have I become???
In my life BC, (before cancer) the only thing that was constant was that I knew that I was going to work!! I left at different times and got back at different times. What happened in between could be anything, good or bad. I could be run off my feet or sitting in the office.I could be driving up the motorway or flying to another country. Yes it was a crazy life that is for sure, but somehow I revelled in the unpredictability of it all. Constantly thinking on your feet and dealing with situations as they occurred. Everyday was a massive mental and physical challenge.
These days, are now physical challenges certainly, with my muscles feeling like I have competed in the last 100 years worth of olympics in the last week. Even getting in and out of a chair is painful, and getting dressed is not for the faint hearted! (Maybe that should be the next you tube video???Not!!!)
But what future for my brain? This is my problem. My brain somehow is not linked to my body. It is making promises, that my body can’t fulfill. It cannot understand that my body is no longer able to do a lot of the things it could. It keeps filling me with lots of exciting plans and ideas.Some involving money, others just helping people. Every where I go, I get inspired to do things but I just physically can’t.
My only release from this frustration is when I take a strong dose of sleeping pills which manages to switch my brain off and enable me to sleep.I wake up mentally refreshed but because of my current issues I feel like I have run a marathon before I even get out of bed! So it seems that at the moment, my brain works and my body doesn’t. but when I’m in bed, my body feels ok and my brain swithches off.I feel like my body has taken early retirement but no one has told my brain.
If you are working, just be careful what you wish for as the grass is not always greener!!